you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
