Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
