I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
