I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
