I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
