I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
