Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
