...so i touched it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
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I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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