'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
