you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
