I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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