I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
