If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
