As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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