does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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