There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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