Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
