Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
