I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you had me at cake vodka
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
