this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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