Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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