There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
