I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We got so high we made milksteak
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
