There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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