textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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