i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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