What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i drank out of a bidet.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
