Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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