Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
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I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
how drunk are you?
Several
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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