Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Never underestimate the power of titties
i out mim tonsoeep
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