My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
