I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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