Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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