all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
