I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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