I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
