When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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