I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
