I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
