You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
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Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
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Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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