Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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