and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
