a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
