I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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