I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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