I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
