i wish starbucks made bloody marys
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
