Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
