I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
