pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
