we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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