If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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