I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
