in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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