just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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