So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
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