she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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