the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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