I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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