I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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