I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
